Harriette Cole: He wasn’t a good boyfriend, so why can’t I forget him?

DEAR HARRIETTE Six months ago my boyfriend broke up with me and I m embarrassed to admit that I still can t seem to get over him Related Articles Harriette Cole She walked out of the party saying my new girlfriend and I embarrassed her Harriette Cole When I complain about the hazing at work they say my generation is soft Harriette Cole My roommate s annoying Post-its are affecting my peace of mind Harriette Cole This advice from my therapist seems drastic Should I go for it anyway Harriette Cole Is it unrealistic to date a man who lives more than an hour away The truth is that he wasn t even that great of a boyfriend He was inconsistent with his communication dismissive of my feelings and didn t do much to show me that he cared about me Even knowing all of that I find myself stuck on the good memories and the what-ifs My friends keep telling me I deserve better and should move on but I feel like I m caught in this loop of replaying everything in my head and wondering if I made mistakes that ruined the relationship I ve tried dating again but I end up comparing every new person to him which makes me feel worse Part of me worries that if I couldn t make it work with him maybe I ll never make it work with anyone I want to heal and move forward but I don t know where to start Sometimes I wonder if holding on to him is just an excuse to avoid facing the fear of being alone Holding On DEAR HOLDING ON Make a list of the qualities you want in a partner What values are essential to you What traits spark your interest Think of all of the characteristics that appeal to you and write them down Next list the behaviors that irk you What do you want to avoid in a relationship Feel free to think about your ex and use what didn t work with him but don t limit your list to only his attributes Now reference your lists and look around Who in your world reflects what you have listed If you don t see anyone expand your horizons Put yourself out there to meet other people When you think of your ex remember the strategies in which he did not measure up even as you notice certain good qualities on your list that he does have You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you Whenever you start to long for him return your list Did he truly measure up or do you just miss the idea of him DEAR HARRIETTE Every time I go back home for the holidays it turns into a shouting match because my parents and I have opposing political views What starts as small talk invariably ends up in heated debates that leave me feeling drained and resentful I ve tried avoiding certain topics but my parents bring them up and push until I feel cornered into responding Holidays that used to be fun now feel like emotional battlegrounds and I ve started dreading them instead of looking forward to spending time together Sometimes I make excuses to leave early just to avoid another round of arguing My siblings usually stay quiet which makes me feel even more singled out when the spotlight lands on me Related Articles Miss Manners She was visiting someone else and requested to use my place as a hotel Dear Abby I want to tell the manager about my selfish co-workers Jill On Money Jobs cool the American dream fizzles Asking Eric She explained she learned mahjongg from her phone and tried to bully her way into our challenge Harriette Cole She walked out of the party saying my new girlfriend and I embarrassed her I don t want to cut ties with my family but I also don t want to spend every visit bracing myself for arguments How can I keep the peace and protect my mental soundness while still staying connected to them Need a Truce DEAR NEED A TRUCE You can decide that a few topics are off-limits when you are with your family When they come up remind your parents that you love them and therefore you have decided not to talk about these controversial topics If they don t stop walk out of the room Do not engage Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams You can send questions to askharriette harriettecole com or c o Andrews McMeel Syndication Walnut St Kansas City MO